Learning To Accept

The past few years have taught me nothing if not that I need to learn to accept. What I cannot accept, I must change, if within my power, or move on, if it isn't. 

Accept that this is my new normal. That I'm doing the best I can with what I have. I can accept that I have rare disease, with no cure and no real treatment. I can accept that all my favorite foods are on my "do not eat" list. I can accept that there will be more nights like tonight, trying not to vomit while trying to figure out if my new diet is what caused it, or is my condition getting worse. 

But I don't know how much longer I can accept keeping people in my life that can't be bothered to give a flying _____.

What do you think determines how you view life? Do you believe it's innate, learned or a combination there of? 

We have all heard stories of those who have overcome great odds, terrible childhoods, or events that seem impossible. What is it they have, that some of us lack? What enables them to keep going, even smiling through the pain? 

These questions have been running around in my head for awhile now, usually just in passing, but have been in the forefront the last few days. Most of us have faced times or situations that require us to draw on an inner strength we didn't know we had or times we wish we'd had more. 

When you look back at those times, can you understand how you made it through? Or do you chalk it up to luck or a Higher Power? 

On the eve of my middle child's 7th birthday, I find myself a bit lost. Lost between awe and sorrow. Awe that it has been seven years since I gave birth to my beautiful first born daughter, since I became the mother of two, since I saw my grandmother in her deep blue eyes. Sorrow that her first years have flown by, that that is time that I will never get back. A whole host of firsts gone.

While I know this melancholy will pass, and there are plenty of bright days ahead, for now I let the tears and thoughts of yesterday flow.

Today

Why are the biggest revelations we have about ourselves always so hard or painful? I've had several over the last few days and I must say the depth of this pain is deep. Very deep. I'm not sure what is worse; having these revelations, wondering why it's taken me so long to realize these things, or the fear that I will fail to make the changes I know I should.

The fear...It is soul consuming.  Realizing that I have lived almost my entire life essentially as someone else to avoid the pain of rejection is overwhelming. How do you even start to be that person you've locked away for so long? How do you explain to your friends, your husband, your children that the person they know and love isn't real. Yes, there are parts of me that aren't affected. Which parts? I honestly don't know yet. I'm not sure that matters right now. Because I'm not entirely sure I'm strong enough to get past the fear.

I've been searching for the past 7 months for my core self. I've always known that I had a persona that I used to hide my insecurities and weakness. I just didn't realize the me that I show those I love and trust still wasn't really me. It's a version of me that I adapted to hide those parts of me to vulnerable to trust anyone with. Those parts of me that may break me, if they are rejected again. Those things that make up who I am. So I tucked them away so deeply, that I didn't realize who those occasional whispered suggestions were or what they meant.

I'm sure this doesn't make much sense to most people, so I'll give you an example. My husband had to go out of state for work when our first child was only two weeks old. To the parents among you, you know how overwhelming those first few weeks are. No matter how prepared you are, there simply isn't anything like it. It is complicated even when both parents are there working together, helping each other find their footing in this new life they're in. We hadn't been separated for any length of time since shortly before our wedding. When we found out he had to leave, it was very short notice and they were estimating he would be gone for two months. While I wasn't thrilled about it, I knew it was his job. When he came home due to an infected bug bite (very long story), he had been gone two weeks. I was so happy that he was coming home. All I could think about was seeing him and having one of those scenes like we've all seen in the movies. I just wanted to run to him and give him a hug. That's all I wanted. More than anything. I could see it in my head. I didn't know how he'd react, but I didn't care.
When I went to meet him at the car rental place I was all smiles....until I got out of the car. In my head I could still see it, as I walked slowly over to where he was getting his bags out of the rental car. But I just couldn't make myself do it. I didn't understand it, I just couldn't do it. We didn't even touch. Just talked like it was any other day, got in the car and drove home.  I didn't know why I couldn't do it, just pushed the hurt I felt away. Blamed myself for being an idiot, for thinking I could have one of those moments, and him for not acting as happy as I felt.

My life is full of moments like these. Moments where I just wanted to throw myself into it with joy, love happiness, and sometimes even sadness. Moments lost forever to this fear that has taken over my heart. I've always thought that if I could figure out the problem, I could find an answer. I never dreamed the answer would become the problem. That the thought of simply being me, could literally cause a panic attack. That the fear would isolate me so completely, that even when I reached my breaking point, I couldn't bare to ask anyone for help.  That I could cry myself to sleep, afraid to show my weakness to the man that said he'd love me in sickness and in health.

That even now assures me NO ONE could possibly love the real me.

Happy New Year!

I just wanted to say Happy New Year to everyone, including my angel baby! I haven't forgotten you! May you all be blessed in this new year, may the pain of the old year become the joy of the new year. because without the pain, we wouldn't have the joy!

Three years

I can't believe that it has been three years since I had my miscarriage. I believe with all my heart that it was a little boy although that is based only on my pregnancy experiences. However it was exactly the way my pregnancy began with Riley. I look at my oldest daughter and I know that I was meant to have a miscarriage as I wouldn't have her. She was conceived a month later. But it is still hard to think of the little brother that Riley never got. I take comfort that God has a plan for me and for my children (both here and in heaven).

Three things you don't know about me!

***Blog hop time!

Three things you don't know about me are 1.) I used to be a armed security officer in the years before children and I loved it. I started working in that field as a dispatcher at 18. I am a pretty good shot. 2.) I am a tvaholic. I love watching tv and am so happy someone invented the DVR. My TV however thinks that I have forgotten about it lately as I haven't had much time to watch anything. 3.) I love coke (the drink) and hate water. I bet I would lose ten pounds if I traded every coke I drink for water. I used to be a smoker but quit after getting pregnant so coke (caffeine) is my only real vice left other then chocolate.***

Favorite photo

This is my currant favorite photo as it is the only photo I have with all of us in it!

Happy Fourth of July!!!

Just wanted to post real quick to say Happy 4th to everyone! I am so proud to be an American! Cheesy I know, but I am! Also I have only 17 days till my oldest is 4 years old! Holy cow, where does the time go!

MckLinky Blog Hop

***Introduction

I never really thought about introducing myself before because the few people who even know about this blog already know how crazy I am. My name is Lora. I am a child of God, a wife, a mother of three kids here on earth and one in heaven. I have been married for 4 and a half years. I am currently a SAHM and I love it. I love my kids more then I could ever properly put into words! I love reading blogs and my list of them seems to grow daily. I am totally random and hardly ever think my postings through. They are usually just what is on my mind at the moment, but half the time I can't hold on to the really great thoughts long enough to sit down and write them out so...this is what is left over! Oh and I am totally addicted to using LOL!

My kids...
Riley, my oldest will be 4 on the 21st! In July of 2006 I became pregnant again. On Aug 21, 2006 I miscarried our second child. I became pregnant the following month with my daughter Cassidy who just turned 2! And my baby, Kaitlyn, is 4 months old! I think that's about all I can squeeze out at the moment as my kids are attempting to trash their rooms! Thanks for reading!



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Wednesday's Walk Down Memory Lane

So I think this is a fabulous idea and I want to write down real quick one of those passing memories that are forgotten so easily as time passes. Today in the car on my way to deliver some things to my hubby that he forgot, I was listening to a song on the radio...completely absorbed. From the back seat I hear my son saying under his breath "Turn, turn." I look to my left and sure enough I am about to pass my turn. Because of a not yet 4 year old, I was able to safely make that turn. I just started laughing. I want to remember the little things like that when I am older. I want to tell Riley how smart he was even at 4 when he is 20.

Thanks to Lynette, cause I never would have written that down otherwise!

Tuesday's Playlist

Okay, so I read a ton of blogs and don't post often but

is starting Tuesday's Playlist and I love music so I decided to play along. Seems like a great idea to me!

So my Favorite (Can't get out of my head) Song from the last several weeks is Casting Crowns Praise You In This Storm. I have being feeling like I am in a small storm for a bit now and this song just really touched me.

The second favorite at the moment is I Will Rise by Chris Tomlin! Again...this song just reached out and said...LISTEN...so I did and I love it.

That's it for now!

Trying something new
I am one of those people who has to try something to figure out what it is/what it does!

MckLinky

There’s a great new “linky” service available and I wanted to let you know about it. It’s called MckLinky – www.mcklinky.com. After realizing the need for a new, reliable linky capability, Brent Riggs and MckMama got together to create a free, easy to use linky service for all their blog friends.

MckLinky is a free link list feature that allows you to do include lists of other blog links like MckMama does on Not Me! Monday. You can use MckLinky any time you want your blog readers to leave a list of links on your blog. It’s simple, reliable, free...and loads of MckFun!

Kaitlyn 4 month check-up!

Kaitlyn's 4 month check-up went well. She weighs 12 pounds, 7 ounces. She is 23 inches long. She is a little behind on grabbing/batting at things but everything else is great! The doctor says that she should start doing that in the next two weeks.

Clean Rugs and Bigger Sizes

Weird tittle I know, but when I was thinking about what to post about those were the only two things I could think of to write about.

So first off...Clean Rugs. My hubby cleaned the carpets in every room of the house except the closets. He started Saturday afternoon and finished the down stairs after the kids went to bed. Then he got up Sunday morning and did the second floor and the stairs. I am amazed at how much better the house looks just with the carpet being clean but there ya go. Thanks honey!

And the other part is Bigger Sizes...Kaitlyn can now wear her 3-6 month outfits. She has gotten long enough to need the bigger size. And as sad as it is, I was so sad to realize this yesterday. I really don't want her getting bigger this fast. Yes I realize that I have no control over it and it is going to happen no matter how much I wish that it wouldn't. I mean I know that she has to grow up but I realize that I wished Rileys babyness away cause I wanted to play with him. Cassidy was in 3-6 month clothes by 6 weeks old and I was so busy with Riley that I don't even really remember her being this little. So with the realization that Kaitlyn is my last Baby, I am really treasuring her being little. She turns 4 months old on Friday and her 4 month check-up is next Monday the 26th. I can't wait to see how much she weighs and how tall she has gotten. I know she has gained a good bit of weight, just not sure how much.

Anywho, that's all that I am thinking about at the moment except that I need to go to bed cause I have a ton of stuff to do tomorrow morning and my prayer list is getting super long so it will take me a few minutes before I can go to sleep!

This week

This week went by so fast. The kids had swim lessons once a day everyday this week. My boy did STINKING FANTASTIC!!! Cassie wasn't on the same page as Riley. She was perfectly happy after being in for a few minutes to sit on the lounge chair and watch us swim. We had so much fun. I have a great tan after only those five hours. Their teacher is awesome. She is a neighbor of my MIL's and is a teacher. She had no problems with me sitting poolside breastfeeding Kaitlyn while they swam. As much as I loved doing it, I am WORN out. I need that kind of exercise every day.

I am now waiting to hear from my Best Friend Kristin in Texas what the gender of her bean is! They are really wanting a boy as they have all girls right now. I am praying for a boy but betting it's a girl! Either way they are thrilled to find out. And Auntie Lora can't wait to go shopping for this little one! Kaitlyn already has a ton of clothes set aside if it is a girl, not that they will need anymore!

***UPDATE***
They are having a boy and I am flipping thrilled for them!!!!!!!!

This has been a tough week. Kids have had swim lessons everyday and there has been some issues at home that have just been driving me crazy. With two more days left I am hoping that things smooth out.

Hubby has a interview tomorrow for a promotion and we are praying that he gets it.

Kaitlyn started the morning again with projectile vomit covering me from shoulders to toes. She then spent the rest of the day eating, eating, and eating some more...only being happy in my arms ALL DAY. Not sure what her deal was today but didn't mind having an excuse to cuddle with her.

That's really all my stressed out brain can come up with right now!

It seems to have worked. Cassidy apparently is ready for the big girl switch. She is teething right now...her right bottom canine is pushing through...and she was so upset about taking a nap, but yet she got in her toddler bed and lay down. And when she woke up after her nap she stayed in bed until I came and got her. I AM AMAZED!! She just got it. Another milestone reached and accomplished.

Tomorrow starts swim lessons for both Riley and Cassidy. Riley LOVES the water and Cassidy had a blast floating around in one of those baby duck floats last year so it will be interesting to see how she likes actually trying to swim. It will also be interesting how Kaitlyn deals with staying with MIL while I am with the older ones. Since she refuses to take a bottle I may not get to get in with the bigger kids this year, but since it is Kaitlyns nap time I am still going to try. Well I must get back to making dinner now...Meatloaf, mac and cheese and green beans! Yummy!

My Big Girl

As I write this my daughter has been in her big girl bed for over 30 minutes and seems okay with it. For those of you that don't know we bought her the toddler bed a few weeks before Kaitlyn was born hoping to have her transitioned to that bed before Kaitlyn arrived. The first time we tired it she seemed so happy. We had bought her this beautiful toddler bed set with flowers and butterflies on it and she climbed in bed like all was right with the world. The second I started to walk away she started screaming like a banshee and had a fit. So I put her back in her crib and there she has stayed since that night. I ask her almost every night if she wants to try her big girl bed and the answer has always been a big NO. Well tonight I thought to actually try it again. She climbed in, got under the covers. I said good night to her the same way that I do when she is in her crib and I walked away shutting the door behind me as always. Not a peep! I am ecstatic. I have no idea what she is doing if anything, but I am praying that it lasts and I can take the crib out to put in Rileys room as he won't be bothered by any middle of the night crying the way Cassidy would be.

It has now been an hour...Kaitlyn interrupted my typing to eat, and still no problems from the little girl upstairs. I plan on trying to sneak in later to get a few pics!

Oh and I so forgot to post this but Friday, June 5Th, Kaitlyn laughed for the first time. Hasn't dome it since despite my efforts, but it was just so sweet.

She is now trying to figure out why I am sitting in the dark, typing without my constant companion the tv on in the background.