Accomplishments

I just opened the mail from yesterday that my hubby set aside and what did I see? My ten year High School Class Reunion invitation! Wow…it will be ten years in June 22nd! TEN YEARS!! I knew it was coming up but the reality of it just slapped me in the face when I opened it up. I have been thinking a lot lately about my accomplishments since high school and it really depends on what you consider success. I think that I personally need to reevaluate what I consider success. I know that most of my family and friends wouldn’t consider what I have done to be anything near what they wanted for me. I know that they want what’s best for me and that they are all well intentioned but it hurts to feel like a failure to so many. So I decided that I would list my accomplishments as I see them! My successes, of which I am proud of even if not what I or anyone else had planned for me.

I got my Associate’s degree.
I got married
I have had three beautiful and healthy children
I have renewed my faith in the Lord
I have stayed married for 4 ½ years (may not sound like much but I don’t think there were too many people that thought we would make it this long)

I guess that doesn’t sound like much, and I can honestly say that I hope that the next ten years will lend more accomplishments, but I am still proud of where I am and what I am doing. I am raising the next generation and trying to teach them values and manners and things that are few and far between in a lot of kids these days. I want them to be successful in their own endeavors but I also want them to realize that they are free to choose what those endeavors are. That they need to be good people and that anything they choose to be is in their grasp. I pray daily that if I can only accomplish one thing, that raising them the right way is it! That I do Him proud! I hope that everyone can see their own accomplishments and be proud of themselves no matter where they are in their life.

Where have two years gone?

Yes, I know the answer to that question in my mind but my heart is having a hard time with it. My little girl turns TWO today. TWO!

Two years ago today @ 2:31pm my little girl made her way into this world. Me, with no pain meds other then a shot of Nubain (sp?) looked down and thought that there was something wrong. Her face was purple and I kept asking, "Is she okay?". They assured me that she was but I waited, terrified until finally she let out a cry. The doc explained that she was purple because she came out so fast that her face raked across my pelvic bone causing bruising and the cord had been around her neck. But she was FINE!!! When my hubby brought her to me I saw something else. She already had him wrapped around her little finger and that hasn't changed! My 7lb 11oz, 20 inch long baby is 28 pounds and 33 inches tall and I love her so very much!!!!

I am sitting here thinking about the upcoming weeks. There is so much going on and it is all going to happen so fast that I feel the need to ponder it now before it's gone. My baby, who will be my last barring a miracle, just turned 3 months old. My little girl is turning 2 years old in 3 days and my boy, my sweet sweet boy is turning 4 in a little more then a month and a half. Where did the time go? I look at Kaitlyn and I know that in the blink of an eye she will be where they are and that makes me sad. I know that with her I am enjoying her being a baby, whereas with my two oldest I was so busy wishing their babyness away that I feel like I missed it. I realize that I have taken so much for granted and now I am just trying to make each day count and not doing a great job at it. ;)

I promise to take lots of pics of her highness on her birthday Thursday and at her party Sunday evening. Unlike at her first birthday party where I was such a louse that I forgot to take pics. I will regret that for a long long time!! But I won't make that mistake again. I have become the picture queen lately anyway cause I realize that my memory is so bad that if I don't take a picture of it then I won't remember it!!! And to quote a song...I don't wanna miss a thing!!!




Speaking of which...there is my smiley baby now! lol!

Busy, Busy, Busy!

06/01/09 Today is cleaning day...Hence why I am on here trying to delay the inevitable! ;)
06/02/09 Tomorrow- Riley has his evaluation for 4K @ 10am
06/04/09 Thursday- Cassidy's 2nd Birthday...I can't believe she is turning two already!!!
06/05/09 Friday- Possibly dinner with Toby's dad and stepmom???
06/06/09 Sunday- Church, Cassidy's Birthday party
06/11/09 Thursday- Cassidy's 2 year check up @8am
06/12/09 Friday- Riley and Cassidy have a dentist appointment @ 9:30am
06/14/09 Sunday- Church
06/15-19/09 Monday-Friday- Riley and Cassidy have swim lessons @ 11am for an hour!!!
06/29/09 Monday- Kaitlyn has her 4 month check-up @ 11am


This may not sound like much to you mom's who have it all together, but for this mom who sometimes can't remember to pay bills that are due every month, this is a lot! lol! Now I really do have to go cause once the kids finish their lunch and Cassie is down for her nap I have no excuse to keep me from cleaning as long as Kaitlyn stays asleep! lol!

Can't sleep!

I have realized tonight that I am a glutton for punishment. I have been sitting here at the computer for hours reading about all these parents losses! I have been bawling my eyes out and I can't seem to stop! For every one link of love and loss there are five more. I have all to often wondered recently what I did to deserve my luck. I have three wonderful children who I all to often take for granted. I grieved hard over the loss of a very early miscarriage and there are all these women who have had to hold their babies as they go to meet Our Father. I just can't imagine. I love God and I believe that there is a reason for everything, but I'm not sure I could survive losing one of my kids. They are my life, the reason I get out of bed, the reason I carry on! So as I read these stories and move onto the next I feel like if I don't keep going I am dishonoring these poor babies and their parents.

Yes I realize that I need help most days! :)

I want so badly to be as strong as these women. I want so badly to be as good a mother as I know that these women would be given the chance. They only got to love and their love is so pure and unfailing. Their faith, extraordinary!

I feel like a sad excuse for a mother most days. What makes a mother Great? I wish I knew. I know it involves patience which is why I am sure I may never fall into the great category. I worry every day that I am teaching my three kids to be horrible parents and I want nothing more then to be a good role model for them, to lead them in the right direction so that this bad parenting won't filter down another generation!!

Randomness

We missed church today and I feel bad about it! I finally start going back and we all get sick and can't go. I am finally starting to feel better, Riley and Kaitlyn seem to be doing fine. Cassidy however is struggling a bit. Depending how she sounds in the morning I may be calling the pediatrician for her. Today was a pretty good day though. I got some laundry done. Mom and I took Riley and Kaitlyn to Target and Food Lion and got caught in a torrential downpour. Riley thought it was pretty funny that mom and I got wet getting him in and out of the car seat! I got a good laugh at my hubby running across the front lawn with Riley over his shoulder to get him out of the rain when we got home.

Dinner was awesome. Mom bought us some steaks and the rain stopped long enough for Toby to grill them. After dinner Toby cut up the watermelon we had bought and it was so sweet! Surprising for this early in the season. The kids loved it. After dinner Toby cut Rileys hair which really needed it and then kids got baths and bedtime. Kaitlyn was back on her 10pm self impossed bedtime! Hopefully she will sleep through the night, like last night.

I really wish that I had some deep meaning post today or even something else to say, but not a lot going on. My only plans for tomorrow are more laundry and Toby goes back on nights. Boo! I hate it when he is on nights. Oh and at some point tomorrow I really need to sit down and figure out what we are doing for Cassie's 2nd birthday. Toby will have class the night of her actual birthday and is working the whole weekend before and the Saturday after her actual birthday so more then likely we will have her little party at our house Sunday, June 7th. I have not a clue what to get her. My kids have more toys then the law should allow and there really isn't anything specific that I know of that she wants. I think that try and find her some more bracelets. She LOVES bracelets, and I think that I might break down and buy her a troller for her baby doll. I think she would like that. Anyone have any ideas on what to get a two year old girl for her birthday? HELP! LOL!

Well it is way past my bedtime and my eyes are burning. Not to mentiont that my son will not EVER let me sleep in!I so wish I was a morning person like my dad! WHy couldn't he have passed thAt trait down!!!! Well I hope everone is enjoying their Memorial Day weekend!! Be safe!

Lora

Strong Women

I am sitting here in awe of some of the blogs that I have been reading lately! At the strength of the women writing them, at those womens love of God and at their way of connecting with others through the written word. I realized somethings that I had put in the back of my mind and tried to forget about had been surfacing these last few years in unpredictable ways. I am blessed to have three healthy kids, but between My son and my oldest daughter I had a very early miscarriage. I have no proof but given how sick I was for the few weeks that I was pregnant, I believe it was a boy. I lost him Aug 21, 2006. I guess because it was so early it didn't really phase my hubby and the next month I got pregnant again so I put the hurt of the lost pregnancy in a box and put it in the back of my mind. I was terrified that I might lose this one too as I had some bleeding early on with that pregnancy as well, but I was fortunant enough to keep her. I let myself just get caught up in that pregnancy and never really grieved the way I should have. Noone near me, my hubby or my mom, reallt thought it was something to grieve over and that hurt and kept me from expressing myself. I also felt guilty for greiving that loss when I had already been allowed the blessing of another child. I know that had I not lost that beby then I wouldn't have my Cassidy, but somewhere in me I still feel a hole!

Is that normal? Am I crazy to mourn a child I only carried for 6 weeks? To mourn a child that noone else even acknowledges? To mourn when I have three children here with me?

I have just recently gone back to church. Reading Angie Smith's blog brought me some peace and the realization that I needed to find my way back to Him and that I needed to share Him with my kids! I have not a clue how to do a link other then on the side of my blog you can get to Angie's blog Bring The Rain! Also Stacy's blog He Will Carry Me! These women have been through a loss that defies my imagination and yet they carry on with a grace that truly inspires me! They admit that they have had questions even doubts but yet they always find their way back to Him! From reading about Audrey Caroline and Isaac Timothy and their beautiful parents I have come back to Him. I have remembered what it is like to walk with Him beside me and am so happy to start teaching my kids that even though they have parents that love them dearly and pray to always be there for them there is another Father that will always NO MATTER WHAT be there for them! That in and of itself gives me a lighter heart.

I hope and pray that this post even makes sense. Since the birth of my daughter Kaitlyn, I can't seem to get two thoughts together. I can't tell you how many times the other day I had to restart my prayers because my thoughts would get derailed. And I must admit that I am a little sick and a lot tires which doesn't help matters.

I do want to mention one more thing before I go to bed. I want to ask for a prayer request for Adam and Aimee Freeman whose daughter Kayleigh Anne lost her galient fight May 11th, 2009 and was laid to rest May 17th! Their strength and Faith in the Lord is an inspiration to all those that have met them or come across their Blog. Kayleigh will be greatly missed by those of us left behind, but she is happy and whole in Heaven with our Father!

Lora