Today

Why are the biggest revelations we have about ourselves always so hard or painful? I've had several over the last few days and I must say the depth of this pain is deep. Very deep. I'm not sure what is worse; having these revelations, wondering why it's taken me so long to realize these things, or the fear that I will fail to make the changes I know I should.

The fear...It is soul consuming.  Realizing that I have lived almost my entire life essentially as someone else to avoid the pain of rejection is overwhelming. How do you even start to be that person you've locked away for so long? How do you explain to your friends, your husband, your children that the person they know and love isn't real. Yes, there are parts of me that aren't affected. Which parts? I honestly don't know yet. I'm not sure that matters right now. Because I'm not entirely sure I'm strong enough to get past the fear.

I've been searching for the past 7 months for my core self. I've always known that I had a persona that I used to hide my insecurities and weakness. I just didn't realize the me that I show those I love and trust still wasn't really me. It's a version of me that I adapted to hide those parts of me to vulnerable to trust anyone with. Those parts of me that may break me, if they are rejected again. Those things that make up who I am. So I tucked them away so deeply, that I didn't realize who those occasional whispered suggestions were or what they meant.

I'm sure this doesn't make much sense to most people, so I'll give you an example. My husband had to go out of state for work when our first child was only two weeks old. To the parents among you, you know how overwhelming those first few weeks are. No matter how prepared you are, there simply isn't anything like it. It is complicated even when both parents are there working together, helping each other find their footing in this new life they're in. We hadn't been separated for any length of time since shortly before our wedding. When we found out he had to leave, it was very short notice and they were estimating he would be gone for two months. While I wasn't thrilled about it, I knew it was his job. When he came home due to an infected bug bite (very long story), he had been gone two weeks. I was so happy that he was coming home. All I could think about was seeing him and having one of those scenes like we've all seen in the movies. I just wanted to run to him and give him a hug. That's all I wanted. More than anything. I could see it in my head. I didn't know how he'd react, but I didn't care.
When I went to meet him at the car rental place I was all smiles....until I got out of the car. In my head I could still see it, as I walked slowly over to where he was getting his bags out of the rental car. But I just couldn't make myself do it. I didn't understand it, I just couldn't do it. We didn't even touch. Just talked like it was any other day, got in the car and drove home.  I didn't know why I couldn't do it, just pushed the hurt I felt away. Blamed myself for being an idiot, for thinking I could have one of those moments, and him for not acting as happy as I felt.

My life is full of moments like these. Moments where I just wanted to throw myself into it with joy, love happiness, and sometimes even sadness. Moments lost forever to this fear that has taken over my heart. I've always thought that if I could figure out the problem, I could find an answer. I never dreamed the answer would become the problem. That the thought of simply being me, could literally cause a panic attack. That the fear would isolate me so completely, that even when I reached my breaking point, I couldn't bare to ask anyone for help.  That I could cry myself to sleep, afraid to show my weakness to the man that said he'd love me in sickness and in health.

That even now assures me NO ONE could possibly love the real me.