Three years

I can't believe that it has been three years since I had my miscarriage. I believe with all my heart that it was a little boy although that is based only on my pregnancy experiences. However it was exactly the way my pregnancy began with Riley. I look at my oldest daughter and I know that I was meant to have a miscarriage as I wouldn't have her. She was conceived a month later. But it is still hard to think of the little brother that Riley never got. I take comfort that God has a plan for me and for my children (both here and in heaven).

Three things you don't know about me!

***Blog hop time!

Three things you don't know about me are 1.) I used to be a armed security officer in the years before children and I loved it. I started working in that field as a dispatcher at 18. I am a pretty good shot. 2.) I am a tvaholic. I love watching tv and am so happy someone invented the DVR. My TV however thinks that I have forgotten about it lately as I haven't had much time to watch anything. 3.) I love coke (the drink) and hate water. I bet I would lose ten pounds if I traded every coke I drink for water. I used to be a smoker but quit after getting pregnant so coke (caffeine) is my only real vice left other then chocolate.***

Favorite photo

This is my currant favorite photo as it is the only photo I have with all of us in it!

Happy Fourth of July!!!

Just wanted to post real quick to say Happy 4th to everyone! I am so proud to be an American! Cheesy I know, but I am! Also I have only 17 days till my oldest is 4 years old! Holy cow, where does the time go!

MckLinky Blog Hop

***Introduction

I never really thought about introducing myself before because the few people who even know about this blog already know how crazy I am. My name is Lora. I am a child of God, a wife, a mother of three kids here on earth and one in heaven. I have been married for 4 and a half years. I am currently a SAHM and I love it. I love my kids more then I could ever properly put into words! I love reading blogs and my list of them seems to grow daily. I am totally random and hardly ever think my postings through. They are usually just what is on my mind at the moment, but half the time I can't hold on to the really great thoughts long enough to sit down and write them out so...this is what is left over! Oh and I am totally addicted to using LOL!

My kids...
Riley, my oldest will be 4 on the 21st! In July of 2006 I became pregnant again. On Aug 21, 2006 I miscarried our second child. I became pregnant the following month with my daughter Cassidy who just turned 2! And my baby, Kaitlyn, is 4 months old! I think that's about all I can squeeze out at the moment as my kids are attempting to trash their rooms! Thanks for reading!



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Wednesday's Walk Down Memory Lane

So I think this is a fabulous idea and I want to write down real quick one of those passing memories that are forgotten so easily as time passes. Today in the car on my way to deliver some things to my hubby that he forgot, I was listening to a song on the radio...completely absorbed. From the back seat I hear my son saying under his breath "Turn, turn." I look to my left and sure enough I am about to pass my turn. Because of a not yet 4 year old, I was able to safely make that turn. I just started laughing. I want to remember the little things like that when I am older. I want to tell Riley how smart he was even at 4 when he is 20.

Thanks to Lynette, cause I never would have written that down otherwise!

Tuesday's Playlist

Okay, so I read a ton of blogs and don't post often but

is starting Tuesday's Playlist and I love music so I decided to play along. Seems like a great idea to me!

So my Favorite (Can't get out of my head) Song from the last several weeks is Casting Crowns Praise You In This Storm. I have being feeling like I am in a small storm for a bit now and this song just really touched me.

The second favorite at the moment is I Will Rise by Chris Tomlin! Again...this song just reached out and said...LISTEN...so I did and I love it.

That's it for now!

Trying something new
I am one of those people who has to try something to figure out what it is/what it does!

MckLinky

There’s a great new “linky” service available and I wanted to let you know about it. It’s called MckLinky – www.mcklinky.com. After realizing the need for a new, reliable linky capability, Brent Riggs and MckMama got together to create a free, easy to use linky service for all their blog friends.

MckLinky is a free link list feature that allows you to do include lists of other blog links like MckMama does on Not Me! Monday. You can use MckLinky any time you want your blog readers to leave a list of links on your blog. It’s simple, reliable, free...and loads of MckFun!

Kaitlyn 4 month check-up!

Kaitlyn's 4 month check-up went well. She weighs 12 pounds, 7 ounces. She is 23 inches long. She is a little behind on grabbing/batting at things but everything else is great! The doctor says that she should start doing that in the next two weeks.

Clean Rugs and Bigger Sizes

Weird tittle I know, but when I was thinking about what to post about those were the only two things I could think of to write about.

So first off...Clean Rugs. My hubby cleaned the carpets in every room of the house except the closets. He started Saturday afternoon and finished the down stairs after the kids went to bed. Then he got up Sunday morning and did the second floor and the stairs. I am amazed at how much better the house looks just with the carpet being clean but there ya go. Thanks honey!

And the other part is Bigger Sizes...Kaitlyn can now wear her 3-6 month outfits. She has gotten long enough to need the bigger size. And as sad as it is, I was so sad to realize this yesterday. I really don't want her getting bigger this fast. Yes I realize that I have no control over it and it is going to happen no matter how much I wish that it wouldn't. I mean I know that she has to grow up but I realize that I wished Rileys babyness away cause I wanted to play with him. Cassidy was in 3-6 month clothes by 6 weeks old and I was so busy with Riley that I don't even really remember her being this little. So with the realization that Kaitlyn is my last Baby, I am really treasuring her being little. She turns 4 months old on Friday and her 4 month check-up is next Monday the 26th. I can't wait to see how much she weighs and how tall she has gotten. I know she has gained a good bit of weight, just not sure how much.

Anywho, that's all that I am thinking about at the moment except that I need to go to bed cause I have a ton of stuff to do tomorrow morning and my prayer list is getting super long so it will take me a few minutes before I can go to sleep!

This week

This week went by so fast. The kids had swim lessons once a day everyday this week. My boy did STINKING FANTASTIC!!! Cassie wasn't on the same page as Riley. She was perfectly happy after being in for a few minutes to sit on the lounge chair and watch us swim. We had so much fun. I have a great tan after only those five hours. Their teacher is awesome. She is a neighbor of my MIL's and is a teacher. She had no problems with me sitting poolside breastfeeding Kaitlyn while they swam. As much as I loved doing it, I am WORN out. I need that kind of exercise every day.

I am now waiting to hear from my Best Friend Kristin in Texas what the gender of her bean is! They are really wanting a boy as they have all girls right now. I am praying for a boy but betting it's a girl! Either way they are thrilled to find out. And Auntie Lora can't wait to go shopping for this little one! Kaitlyn already has a ton of clothes set aside if it is a girl, not that they will need anymore!

***UPDATE***
They are having a boy and I am flipping thrilled for them!!!!!!!!

This has been a tough week. Kids have had swim lessons everyday and there has been some issues at home that have just been driving me crazy. With two more days left I am hoping that things smooth out.

Hubby has a interview tomorrow for a promotion and we are praying that he gets it.

Kaitlyn started the morning again with projectile vomit covering me from shoulders to toes. She then spent the rest of the day eating, eating, and eating some more...only being happy in my arms ALL DAY. Not sure what her deal was today but didn't mind having an excuse to cuddle with her.

That's really all my stressed out brain can come up with right now!

It seems to have worked. Cassidy apparently is ready for the big girl switch. She is teething right now...her right bottom canine is pushing through...and she was so upset about taking a nap, but yet she got in her toddler bed and lay down. And when she woke up after her nap she stayed in bed until I came and got her. I AM AMAZED!! She just got it. Another milestone reached and accomplished.

Tomorrow starts swim lessons for both Riley and Cassidy. Riley LOVES the water and Cassidy had a blast floating around in one of those baby duck floats last year so it will be interesting to see how she likes actually trying to swim. It will also be interesting how Kaitlyn deals with staying with MIL while I am with the older ones. Since she refuses to take a bottle I may not get to get in with the bigger kids this year, but since it is Kaitlyns nap time I am still going to try. Well I must get back to making dinner now...Meatloaf, mac and cheese and green beans! Yummy!

My Big Girl

As I write this my daughter has been in her big girl bed for over 30 minutes and seems okay with it. For those of you that don't know we bought her the toddler bed a few weeks before Kaitlyn was born hoping to have her transitioned to that bed before Kaitlyn arrived. The first time we tired it she seemed so happy. We had bought her this beautiful toddler bed set with flowers and butterflies on it and she climbed in bed like all was right with the world. The second I started to walk away she started screaming like a banshee and had a fit. So I put her back in her crib and there she has stayed since that night. I ask her almost every night if she wants to try her big girl bed and the answer has always been a big NO. Well tonight I thought to actually try it again. She climbed in, got under the covers. I said good night to her the same way that I do when she is in her crib and I walked away shutting the door behind me as always. Not a peep! I am ecstatic. I have no idea what she is doing if anything, but I am praying that it lasts and I can take the crib out to put in Rileys room as he won't be bothered by any middle of the night crying the way Cassidy would be.

It has now been an hour...Kaitlyn interrupted my typing to eat, and still no problems from the little girl upstairs. I plan on trying to sneak in later to get a few pics!

Oh and I so forgot to post this but Friday, June 5Th, Kaitlyn laughed for the first time. Hasn't dome it since despite my efforts, but it was just so sweet.

She is now trying to figure out why I am sitting in the dark, typing without my constant companion the tv on in the background.

Today

Today is much better then yesterday. I struggled yesterday just to make it through the simple things in life. Today I woke up and made up my mind that I couldn't have another day like that. And it worked. My kids worked with me which helped OH SO MUCH! We went to the Library, to the mall with the carousel, and then home again for lunch and naps. My hubby is taking care of the insurance issue that caught me so off guard day before yesterday and set me up for a crummy day yesterday. I am so thankful that I have the smiliest (sp?) baby that I have ever seen!

I am precariously balanced on a thin ledge right now and feel as if I am being pulled on both sides. Only God, and Kaitlyns smiles are sustaining me right now.

Fun times

Well I had projectile vomit coming from the littlest family member before 8 am this morning. What a great way to start the day. She seems to be doing okay now, as she has eaten again and then went to sleep. It was totally unexpected as Kaitlyn has never thrown up before and her spit-up only constituted a little more then a quarter sized amount before.

I know just what anyone wants to read about is vomit or spit-up. Oh the fun times had by stay at home moms.

Cassidy has been her usually bucket of joy this morning (not) because one of her canine teeth is coming in and her teeth move so slowly. Each tooth usually gives us 3-4 weeks of H***! Lovely, I'm thinking another week and a half of fussiness...HELP! lol! And this is the first of the FOUR canine teeth. Looking like a really long summer. I also want to get her in her toddler bed and potty trained this summer too. Hahaha I think I have lost my mind. She really is having a time lately. She has like six bug bites on her legs, though they don't see m to actually bother her and a rash behind one of her knees. Thank Goodness she has her two year check-up tomorrow. Wait, that means we will add shots on top of all this other stuff...YAY!

So where do I go to sign up for extra patience?

Oh and I just remembered that both the bigger kids have a dentist appointment Friday. At least I will have help then. So I am not doing anything today as the rest of the week will be hectic and then Next week is swim lessons! At least those will be mostly fun.

Accomplishments

I just opened the mail from yesterday that my hubby set aside and what did I see? My ten year High School Class Reunion invitation! Wow…it will be ten years in June 22nd! TEN YEARS!! I knew it was coming up but the reality of it just slapped me in the face when I opened it up. I have been thinking a lot lately about my accomplishments since high school and it really depends on what you consider success. I think that I personally need to reevaluate what I consider success. I know that most of my family and friends wouldn’t consider what I have done to be anything near what they wanted for me. I know that they want what’s best for me and that they are all well intentioned but it hurts to feel like a failure to so many. So I decided that I would list my accomplishments as I see them! My successes, of which I am proud of even if not what I or anyone else had planned for me.

I got my Associate’s degree.
I got married
I have had three beautiful and healthy children
I have renewed my faith in the Lord
I have stayed married for 4 ½ years (may not sound like much but I don’t think there were too many people that thought we would make it this long)

I guess that doesn’t sound like much, and I can honestly say that I hope that the next ten years will lend more accomplishments, but I am still proud of where I am and what I am doing. I am raising the next generation and trying to teach them values and manners and things that are few and far between in a lot of kids these days. I want them to be successful in their own endeavors but I also want them to realize that they are free to choose what those endeavors are. That they need to be good people and that anything they choose to be is in their grasp. I pray daily that if I can only accomplish one thing, that raising them the right way is it! That I do Him proud! I hope that everyone can see their own accomplishments and be proud of themselves no matter where they are in their life.

Where have two years gone?

Yes, I know the answer to that question in my mind but my heart is having a hard time with it. My little girl turns TWO today. TWO!

Two years ago today @ 2:31pm my little girl made her way into this world. Me, with no pain meds other then a shot of Nubain (sp?) looked down and thought that there was something wrong. Her face was purple and I kept asking, "Is she okay?". They assured me that she was but I waited, terrified until finally she let out a cry. The doc explained that she was purple because she came out so fast that her face raked across my pelvic bone causing bruising and the cord had been around her neck. But she was FINE!!! When my hubby brought her to me I saw something else. She already had him wrapped around her little finger and that hasn't changed! My 7lb 11oz, 20 inch long baby is 28 pounds and 33 inches tall and I love her so very much!!!!

I am sitting here thinking about the upcoming weeks. There is so much going on and it is all going to happen so fast that I feel the need to ponder it now before it's gone. My baby, who will be my last barring a miracle, just turned 3 months old. My little girl is turning 2 years old in 3 days and my boy, my sweet sweet boy is turning 4 in a little more then a month and a half. Where did the time go? I look at Kaitlyn and I know that in the blink of an eye she will be where they are and that makes me sad. I know that with her I am enjoying her being a baby, whereas with my two oldest I was so busy wishing their babyness away that I feel like I missed it. I realize that I have taken so much for granted and now I am just trying to make each day count and not doing a great job at it. ;)

I promise to take lots of pics of her highness on her birthday Thursday and at her party Sunday evening. Unlike at her first birthday party where I was such a louse that I forgot to take pics. I will regret that for a long long time!! But I won't make that mistake again. I have become the picture queen lately anyway cause I realize that my memory is so bad that if I don't take a picture of it then I won't remember it!!! And to quote a song...I don't wanna miss a thing!!!




Speaking of which...there is my smiley baby now! lol!

Busy, Busy, Busy!

06/01/09 Today is cleaning day...Hence why I am on here trying to delay the inevitable! ;)
06/02/09 Tomorrow- Riley has his evaluation for 4K @ 10am
06/04/09 Thursday- Cassidy's 2nd Birthday...I can't believe she is turning two already!!!
06/05/09 Friday- Possibly dinner with Toby's dad and stepmom???
06/06/09 Sunday- Church, Cassidy's Birthday party
06/11/09 Thursday- Cassidy's 2 year check up @8am
06/12/09 Friday- Riley and Cassidy have a dentist appointment @ 9:30am
06/14/09 Sunday- Church
06/15-19/09 Monday-Friday- Riley and Cassidy have swim lessons @ 11am for an hour!!!
06/29/09 Monday- Kaitlyn has her 4 month check-up @ 11am


This may not sound like much to you mom's who have it all together, but for this mom who sometimes can't remember to pay bills that are due every month, this is a lot! lol! Now I really do have to go cause once the kids finish their lunch and Cassie is down for her nap I have no excuse to keep me from cleaning as long as Kaitlyn stays asleep! lol!

Can't sleep!

I have realized tonight that I am a glutton for punishment. I have been sitting here at the computer for hours reading about all these parents losses! I have been bawling my eyes out and I can't seem to stop! For every one link of love and loss there are five more. I have all to often wondered recently what I did to deserve my luck. I have three wonderful children who I all to often take for granted. I grieved hard over the loss of a very early miscarriage and there are all these women who have had to hold their babies as they go to meet Our Father. I just can't imagine. I love God and I believe that there is a reason for everything, but I'm not sure I could survive losing one of my kids. They are my life, the reason I get out of bed, the reason I carry on! So as I read these stories and move onto the next I feel like if I don't keep going I am dishonoring these poor babies and their parents.

Yes I realize that I need help most days! :)

I want so badly to be as strong as these women. I want so badly to be as good a mother as I know that these women would be given the chance. They only got to love and their love is so pure and unfailing. Their faith, extraordinary!

I feel like a sad excuse for a mother most days. What makes a mother Great? I wish I knew. I know it involves patience which is why I am sure I may never fall into the great category. I worry every day that I am teaching my three kids to be horrible parents and I want nothing more then to be a good role model for them, to lead them in the right direction so that this bad parenting won't filter down another generation!!

Randomness

We missed church today and I feel bad about it! I finally start going back and we all get sick and can't go. I am finally starting to feel better, Riley and Kaitlyn seem to be doing fine. Cassidy however is struggling a bit. Depending how she sounds in the morning I may be calling the pediatrician for her. Today was a pretty good day though. I got some laundry done. Mom and I took Riley and Kaitlyn to Target and Food Lion and got caught in a torrential downpour. Riley thought it was pretty funny that mom and I got wet getting him in and out of the car seat! I got a good laugh at my hubby running across the front lawn with Riley over his shoulder to get him out of the rain when we got home.

Dinner was awesome. Mom bought us some steaks and the rain stopped long enough for Toby to grill them. After dinner Toby cut up the watermelon we had bought and it was so sweet! Surprising for this early in the season. The kids loved it. After dinner Toby cut Rileys hair which really needed it and then kids got baths and bedtime. Kaitlyn was back on her 10pm self impossed bedtime! Hopefully she will sleep through the night, like last night.

I really wish that I had some deep meaning post today or even something else to say, but not a lot going on. My only plans for tomorrow are more laundry and Toby goes back on nights. Boo! I hate it when he is on nights. Oh and at some point tomorrow I really need to sit down and figure out what we are doing for Cassie's 2nd birthday. Toby will have class the night of her actual birthday and is working the whole weekend before and the Saturday after her actual birthday so more then likely we will have her little party at our house Sunday, June 7th. I have not a clue what to get her. My kids have more toys then the law should allow and there really isn't anything specific that I know of that she wants. I think that try and find her some more bracelets. She LOVES bracelets, and I think that I might break down and buy her a troller for her baby doll. I think she would like that. Anyone have any ideas on what to get a two year old girl for her birthday? HELP! LOL!

Well it is way past my bedtime and my eyes are burning. Not to mentiont that my son will not EVER let me sleep in!I so wish I was a morning person like my dad! WHy couldn't he have passed thAt trait down!!!! Well I hope everone is enjoying their Memorial Day weekend!! Be safe!

Lora

Strong Women

I am sitting here in awe of some of the blogs that I have been reading lately! At the strength of the women writing them, at those womens love of God and at their way of connecting with others through the written word. I realized somethings that I had put in the back of my mind and tried to forget about had been surfacing these last few years in unpredictable ways. I am blessed to have three healthy kids, but between My son and my oldest daughter I had a very early miscarriage. I have no proof but given how sick I was for the few weeks that I was pregnant, I believe it was a boy. I lost him Aug 21, 2006. I guess because it was so early it didn't really phase my hubby and the next month I got pregnant again so I put the hurt of the lost pregnancy in a box and put it in the back of my mind. I was terrified that I might lose this one too as I had some bleeding early on with that pregnancy as well, but I was fortunant enough to keep her. I let myself just get caught up in that pregnancy and never really grieved the way I should have. Noone near me, my hubby or my mom, reallt thought it was something to grieve over and that hurt and kept me from expressing myself. I also felt guilty for greiving that loss when I had already been allowed the blessing of another child. I know that had I not lost that beby then I wouldn't have my Cassidy, but somewhere in me I still feel a hole!

Is that normal? Am I crazy to mourn a child I only carried for 6 weeks? To mourn a child that noone else even acknowledges? To mourn when I have three children here with me?

I have just recently gone back to church. Reading Angie Smith's blog brought me some peace and the realization that I needed to find my way back to Him and that I needed to share Him with my kids! I have not a clue how to do a link other then on the side of my blog you can get to Angie's blog Bring The Rain! Also Stacy's blog He Will Carry Me! These women have been through a loss that defies my imagination and yet they carry on with a grace that truly inspires me! They admit that they have had questions even doubts but yet they always find their way back to Him! From reading about Audrey Caroline and Isaac Timothy and their beautiful parents I have come back to Him. I have remembered what it is like to walk with Him beside me and am so happy to start teaching my kids that even though they have parents that love them dearly and pray to always be there for them there is another Father that will always NO MATTER WHAT be there for them! That in and of itself gives me a lighter heart.

I hope and pray that this post even makes sense. Since the birth of my daughter Kaitlyn, I can't seem to get two thoughts together. I can't tell you how many times the other day I had to restart my prayers because my thoughts would get derailed. And I must admit that I am a little sick and a lot tires which doesn't help matters.

I do want to mention one more thing before I go to bed. I want to ask for a prayer request for Adam and Aimee Freeman whose daughter Kayleigh Anne lost her galient fight May 11th, 2009 and was laid to rest May 17th! Their strength and Faith in the Lord is an inspiration to all those that have met them or come across their Blog. Kayleigh will be greatly missed by those of us left behind, but she is happy and whole in Heaven with our Father!

Lora

Blessings!

As usual, I am trying to improve my life by improving myself. I want to focus more on counting my blessing, then on looking at the things that go wrong! I have been thinking a lot lately about all those people who have been dealt impossible cards and yet their faith in God gets them through. I often wonder how I would do in those situations and I don't believe I could handle it!
I have recently read two stories about sick babies. One family lost their 10 month old daughter to cancer and another family is struggling to keep their 10 month old daughter alive being born 12 weeks early and never having been home yet! Kayleigh is losing her battle! I look at my three beautiful and healthy kids and I feel horrible that I take it for granted! I want to make the most of every day that I have with them and not have any regrets!! I believe in God but think that it's time to make him a bigger part of my life, and the lives of my children! I'm not sure how I am going to go about that because I have never been a regular church attendant. It wasn't stressed when I was a child and I haven't made it a part of my life as an adult. The last time I was in a church was my grandmothers funeral over three years ago!
There is a church up the road that I am seriously considering attending. I am planning on talking to my mom about helping me take the kids this Sunday. The kids have appropriate clothes to wear but I'm not sure that I can fit into any of the clothes that I own that are appropriate. Anyway, the point to this is that I am going to try and use this blog to count my blessing and celebrate them!

BLESSINGS!!

I have three healthy children!
I have a husband that loves me!
I have a mother willing to help me all the time!
My family loves my kids and would do anything for them!
I have a nice roof over my head!
I have transportation for myself and my kids!
Riley's speech is improving!
Kaitlyn is gaining weight nicely!
My kids have more then what they need!

Last night!

Well I survived last night, which at the time I just wasn't sure! I still have concerns but no way to know for sure if I have lost my mind or not anyway so I am trying not to think about it!

More news of the weird, my MIL told me that she has been diagnosed with MS. I am hesitant to believe her because she has a tendency to exaggerate things, but it would explain some things if it were true! She will ask you the same question three times in a five minute phone call and honestly not remember the answer. And it has been getting worse. But we shall see. Well sleep deprivation from last nights events has worn me out and I need to sleep while my youngest is asleep! Haha, she will probably be up within the hour!

Wow!

I can't believe that it has been over a year since I have been on here! I have gotten moved, gotten pregnant and had a baby since I was last on here. I know why I stopped writing here, because things were pretty good at home and I didn't need that outlet and when I did need it I didn't thinking that posting it here was really appropriate. Now, I really have no where else to go. I feel bad burdening my friends with hormonal overreactions caused by having a baby and realizing this really will be my last barring a miracle. Knowing that this is really a good thing because of financal and sanity reasons doesn't stop me from being a little sad about it. It also made me realize some things that might have been better hiden from view!