Strong Women

I am sitting here in awe of some of the blogs that I have been reading lately! At the strength of the women writing them, at those womens love of God and at their way of connecting with others through the written word. I realized somethings that I had put in the back of my mind and tried to forget about had been surfacing these last few years in unpredictable ways. I am blessed to have three healthy kids, but between My son and my oldest daughter I had a very early miscarriage. I have no proof but given how sick I was for the few weeks that I was pregnant, I believe it was a boy. I lost him Aug 21, 2006. I guess because it was so early it didn't really phase my hubby and the next month I got pregnant again so I put the hurt of the lost pregnancy in a box and put it in the back of my mind. I was terrified that I might lose this one too as I had some bleeding early on with that pregnancy as well, but I was fortunant enough to keep her. I let myself just get caught up in that pregnancy and never really grieved the way I should have. Noone near me, my hubby or my mom, reallt thought it was something to grieve over and that hurt and kept me from expressing myself. I also felt guilty for greiving that loss when I had already been allowed the blessing of another child. I know that had I not lost that beby then I wouldn't have my Cassidy, but somewhere in me I still feel a hole!

Is that normal? Am I crazy to mourn a child I only carried for 6 weeks? To mourn a child that noone else even acknowledges? To mourn when I have three children here with me?

I have just recently gone back to church. Reading Angie Smith's blog brought me some peace and the realization that I needed to find my way back to Him and that I needed to share Him with my kids! I have not a clue how to do a link other then on the side of my blog you can get to Angie's blog Bring The Rain! Also Stacy's blog He Will Carry Me! These women have been through a loss that defies my imagination and yet they carry on with a grace that truly inspires me! They admit that they have had questions even doubts but yet they always find their way back to Him! From reading about Audrey Caroline and Isaac Timothy and their beautiful parents I have come back to Him. I have remembered what it is like to walk with Him beside me and am so happy to start teaching my kids that even though they have parents that love them dearly and pray to always be there for them there is another Father that will always NO MATTER WHAT be there for them! That in and of itself gives me a lighter heart.

I hope and pray that this post even makes sense. Since the birth of my daughter Kaitlyn, I can't seem to get two thoughts together. I can't tell you how many times the other day I had to restart my prayers because my thoughts would get derailed. And I must admit that I am a little sick and a lot tires which doesn't help matters.

I do want to mention one more thing before I go to bed. I want to ask for a prayer request for Adam and Aimee Freeman whose daughter Kayleigh Anne lost her galient fight May 11th, 2009 and was laid to rest May 17th! Their strength and Faith in the Lord is an inspiration to all those that have met them or come across their Blog. Kayleigh will be greatly missed by those of us left behind, but she is happy and whole in Heaven with our Father!

Lora