Can't sleep!

I have realized tonight that I am a glutton for punishment. I have been sitting here at the computer for hours reading about all these parents losses! I have been bawling my eyes out and I can't seem to stop! For every one link of love and loss there are five more. I have all to often wondered recently what I did to deserve my luck. I have three wonderful children who I all to often take for granted. I grieved hard over the loss of a very early miscarriage and there are all these women who have had to hold their babies as they go to meet Our Father. I just can't imagine. I love God and I believe that there is a reason for everything, but I'm not sure I could survive losing one of my kids. They are my life, the reason I get out of bed, the reason I carry on! So as I read these stories and move onto the next I feel like if I don't keep going I am dishonoring these poor babies and their parents.

Yes I realize that I need help most days! :)

I want so badly to be as strong as these women. I want so badly to be as good a mother as I know that these women would be given the chance. They only got to love and their love is so pure and unfailing. Their faith, extraordinary!

I feel like a sad excuse for a mother most days. What makes a mother Great? I wish I knew. I know it involves patience which is why I am sure I may never fall into the great category. I worry every day that I am teaching my three kids to be horrible parents and I want nothing more then to be a good role model for them, to lead them in the right direction so that this bad parenting won't filter down another generation!!

Randomness

We missed church today and I feel bad about it! I finally start going back and we all get sick and can't go. I am finally starting to feel better, Riley and Kaitlyn seem to be doing fine. Cassidy however is struggling a bit. Depending how she sounds in the morning I may be calling the pediatrician for her. Today was a pretty good day though. I got some laundry done. Mom and I took Riley and Kaitlyn to Target and Food Lion and got caught in a torrential downpour. Riley thought it was pretty funny that mom and I got wet getting him in and out of the car seat! I got a good laugh at my hubby running across the front lawn with Riley over his shoulder to get him out of the rain when we got home.

Dinner was awesome. Mom bought us some steaks and the rain stopped long enough for Toby to grill them. After dinner Toby cut up the watermelon we had bought and it was so sweet! Surprising for this early in the season. The kids loved it. After dinner Toby cut Rileys hair which really needed it and then kids got baths and bedtime. Kaitlyn was back on her 10pm self impossed bedtime! Hopefully she will sleep through the night, like last night.

I really wish that I had some deep meaning post today or even something else to say, but not a lot going on. My only plans for tomorrow are more laundry and Toby goes back on nights. Boo! I hate it when he is on nights. Oh and at some point tomorrow I really need to sit down and figure out what we are doing for Cassie's 2nd birthday. Toby will have class the night of her actual birthday and is working the whole weekend before and the Saturday after her actual birthday so more then likely we will have her little party at our house Sunday, June 7th. I have not a clue what to get her. My kids have more toys then the law should allow and there really isn't anything specific that I know of that she wants. I think that try and find her some more bracelets. She LOVES bracelets, and I think that I might break down and buy her a troller for her baby doll. I think she would like that. Anyone have any ideas on what to get a two year old girl for her birthday? HELP! LOL!

Well it is way past my bedtime and my eyes are burning. Not to mentiont that my son will not EVER let me sleep in!I so wish I was a morning person like my dad! WHy couldn't he have passed thAt trait down!!!! Well I hope everone is enjoying their Memorial Day weekend!! Be safe!

Lora

Strong Women

I am sitting here in awe of some of the blogs that I have been reading lately! At the strength of the women writing them, at those womens love of God and at their way of connecting with others through the written word. I realized somethings that I had put in the back of my mind and tried to forget about had been surfacing these last few years in unpredictable ways. I am blessed to have three healthy kids, but between My son and my oldest daughter I had a very early miscarriage. I have no proof but given how sick I was for the few weeks that I was pregnant, I believe it was a boy. I lost him Aug 21, 2006. I guess because it was so early it didn't really phase my hubby and the next month I got pregnant again so I put the hurt of the lost pregnancy in a box and put it in the back of my mind. I was terrified that I might lose this one too as I had some bleeding early on with that pregnancy as well, but I was fortunant enough to keep her. I let myself just get caught up in that pregnancy and never really grieved the way I should have. Noone near me, my hubby or my mom, reallt thought it was something to grieve over and that hurt and kept me from expressing myself. I also felt guilty for greiving that loss when I had already been allowed the blessing of another child. I know that had I not lost that beby then I wouldn't have my Cassidy, but somewhere in me I still feel a hole!

Is that normal? Am I crazy to mourn a child I only carried for 6 weeks? To mourn a child that noone else even acknowledges? To mourn when I have three children here with me?

I have just recently gone back to church. Reading Angie Smith's blog brought me some peace and the realization that I needed to find my way back to Him and that I needed to share Him with my kids! I have not a clue how to do a link other then on the side of my blog you can get to Angie's blog Bring The Rain! Also Stacy's blog He Will Carry Me! These women have been through a loss that defies my imagination and yet they carry on with a grace that truly inspires me! They admit that they have had questions even doubts but yet they always find their way back to Him! From reading about Audrey Caroline and Isaac Timothy and their beautiful parents I have come back to Him. I have remembered what it is like to walk with Him beside me and am so happy to start teaching my kids that even though they have parents that love them dearly and pray to always be there for them there is another Father that will always NO MATTER WHAT be there for them! That in and of itself gives me a lighter heart.

I hope and pray that this post even makes sense. Since the birth of my daughter Kaitlyn, I can't seem to get two thoughts together. I can't tell you how many times the other day I had to restart my prayers because my thoughts would get derailed. And I must admit that I am a little sick and a lot tires which doesn't help matters.

I do want to mention one more thing before I go to bed. I want to ask for a prayer request for Adam and Aimee Freeman whose daughter Kayleigh Anne lost her galient fight May 11th, 2009 and was laid to rest May 17th! Their strength and Faith in the Lord is an inspiration to all those that have met them or come across their Blog. Kayleigh will be greatly missed by those of us left behind, but she is happy and whole in Heaven with our Father!

Lora